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St Peter: “You look surprised to be standing here.”
Me: “Well, I didn’t think suicides got this far.”
St Peter: “Suicides don’t. But all you’re guilty of is extreme stupidity.”
Me: “That’s it? Just stupidity? Any one act, or a whole life time?”
St Peter: “You do seem to have been ‘challenged’ on more than one occasion; but it was that last thing, the one with the flying suit, that pretty much took the prize.”
Me: “Oh, yeah? So that was ‘stupid’ and not, a, um, successful ‘death wish’?”
St Peter: “Oh? Death wish, was it? That does change things a bit.”
Me: “No, I meant that as a figure of speech. Just an expression.”
St Peter: “You’ve no doubt heard the expression, ‘be careful what you wish for’?”
Me: “Well, yeah; but, I figured it was just that: an expression, like ‘no one expects the Spanish Inquisition’.”
St Peter: “That one caught me, too.”
Me: “You – of all people – were surprised by the Spanish Inquisition?”
St Peter: “No, Monty Python. Always loved Monty Python.”
Me: “I don’t suppose ‘God has a sense of humor’ is just an expression, too?”
St Peter: “That’s one’s true, sure. Quite the kidder, is the Old Man.”
Me: “I’m sorry to interrupt. And I do appreciate that time is meaningless in Eternity. But, the suspense is killing me. You know, so to speak.”
St Peter: “Oh, yes: back to business. Let’s see here: for such extreme stupidity – “
Me: “I’m sorry, again. But, which part was the ‘extremely’ stupid?”
St Peter: “Degrees of stupid? I suppose that’s true. How about we just say ignoring the ‘don’t try this at home’ part and leave it at that?”
Me: “Ok. But, I liked the “professional flyers” part, myself.”
St Peter: “Good point.”
pause
St Peter: “You still here?”
Me: “I’m new at this, but I think ‘dispatch’ is your department?”
St Peter: “Yes, quite right. ‘Extreme stupidity’… yes, here we are: you get to relive your teenage years.”
Me: “I thought that was a one-time thing?”
St Peter: “All things are possible under God.”
Me: “Unquestionably.”
St Peter: “But, not as a teenager.”
Me: “That’s a relief.”
St Peter: “Be careful what-“
Me: “’I wish for.’ I know.”
St Peter: “No, you get to go back and be the parent of a teenager.”
Me: “I thought that was what Hell would look like.”
St Peter: “You’re right, there’s not much difference; except that in Hell, the teenagers never grow up and they never move out.”
Me: “I see your point.”
St Peter: “Was there every any doubt?”
Me: “Absolutely not; but I am here for stupidity. And extreme, at that.”
St Peter: “Who would have thought you’d get so smart just standing here?”
Me: “Just the stupid thing, nothing else? Wow! I guess God is merciful!”
St Peter: “Oh, this is just the first round.”
Me: “The first round? You mean I gotta come back? I thought there was only one judgment?”
St Peter: “Only one judgment per sin. And, I see you have racked-up quite a list. Hindus may be on to something.”
Me: “Do I get a preview?”
St Peter: “Yeah, we can ease your pain a little bit. What’s next? Oh, after the teenage parent experience – how’d you avoid that, oh, here it is: yes, ‘mid-life crisis’ – you will be due for, um, ego-centricity.”
Me: “I don’t even know what that means; how could I have had too much, or is it too little?”
St Peter: “In a nutshell –“
Me: “I’m in no hurry.”
St Peter: “It is a long line behind you and there are no toilet facilities, you know?”
Me: “Toilet facilities? I didn’t think the dead needed those.”
St Peter: “A little heavenly humor. Sorry for the digression.”
Me: “Back to the, um….”
St Peter: “Eating too much – gluttony, exercising too little – sloth, playing too hard – hedonism, not praying enough – that’s really stupid. The usual, considering your circumstances.”
Me: “That would seem to be pretty much what everybody else did; so, does everyone have to answer for all that?”
St Peter: “Yep.”
Me: “I don’t get any consideration as a product of my culture?”
St Peter: “You were stupid, not ignorant.”
Me: “And the difference would be?”
St Peter: “What was it Forrest Gump said?”
Me: “Stupid is as stupid does?”
St Peter: “Yeah, that’s it. And the ignorant part was that you did know better and you chose not to use the stuff between your ears.”
Me: “Ok, when do I get started?”
St Peter: “Well, just stand over there and listen to these next few – they’re doozies.”
Me: “I get to listen to others confess their sins?”
St Peter: “Why not? They have all heard yours.”
Me: “Now you tell me?”
St Peter: “You were stupid, not –“
Me: “Ignorant. Yeah, I know.”